Life happens, even when we don’t want it to. Sometimes it even continues all around you even when you are trying to stand still. But in those moments, we often feel the presence of God even more than we ever would. Those moments are the times that God reaches out and embraces us in the midst of our hurricane.
One of my hurricanes happened when I was 19 and in college. My desire to be loved and wanted was so intense that I was willing to lose myself in the process. This is a dangerous place to be in, a place where we give in sometimes to get it over with.
So as a 19 year old in a world I had never been in, I trusted another human to love me. In that moment, there was love. Whether the love was just on my side is okay, because in that moment, my first beautiful daughter became a reality.
As I began to embrace the fact that I was going to have a baby, fear set in. I believed I loved the father and felt like the only right thing to do was to get married and raise the baby.
My parents thought differently. They felt like the worst option to choose was marriage. Of course to me the worse option was was having an abortion, but since that wasn’t even a choice for my very devout Catholic mother, marriage was the worse option.
This began a very emotional season for me where I tried to figure out what to do.
Was marriage truly not an option? But I thought I loved the father. And if I loved him, shouldn’t we get married and have our baby? That is what he wanted. But did he want it too badly? Not only that, I had to know what I was feeling and what to I wanted to do.
As the months passed, I began to realize that the best choice for my baby was adoption. I loved my baby more than imaginable. Because of that, I knew this would be the best for her. She deserved the happy home that I had growing up. She deserved a mother and father together, established and ready to give her the opportunities in life that I couldn’t give her.
My baby continued to grow and the months passed. Before I knew it, her time came. I woke up in the middle of the night, around 3 am, having to pee and instead my water broke on the bathroom floor. I called to my mom and shortly after we were on the way to the hospital. After a fairly easy and completely natural labor, my baby girl was born at 7:30 am on November 3, 1991.
I wasn’t going to hold her or even see her. I knew that I would never be able to leave her. But, because I loved her so and she deserved a better life, I was going home without her. Well, the next morning, after a very emotional 24 hours, I decided I had to at least see her. I couldn’t leave the hospital and chance not ever seeing her.
So I went to the nursery, and saw her. Oh, how beautiful she was! And her eyes, those eyes remained in my mind for many years. I even talked to her and told her how much I loved her and how I always would.
I went home and cried for what seemed like weeks. Post pardon depression set in and a sadness like I had never ever felt. I had a hole in my heart. I wasn’t sure it would ever heal.
Eventually, I fell back into the motions of my life. I went through each day and realized that I was never going to forget, so I had to figure out how to move on. The only way was to throw myself into my school and work and not leave time for feeling.
I thought about her every day and my love never died… It was always there. I prayed that one day, she would want to know me and God would allow it to happen.
God answered my prayer. On New Years Eve 2007, I saw her again after 16 years. Not only that, my second daughter Kaysi, got to meet her half sister Ginny for the first time. It was weird and amazing all at once. My two girls together!
Over the next several years we have stayed in touch and talked and become more acquainted.
Ginny is an amazing young woman. But that is due to her mom and dad who her adopted her 24 years ago and raised her. I loved her enough, and then they loved her too.
I have often thought about my choice and my daughter over the years. Yes, I missed her growing up and yes, I could have raised her… She would have been loved by me and my family. But would she have been as well taken care of and had the amazing opportunities her parents have given her? I still believe to this day that I made the right choice for Ginny, even though it was, without a doubt, the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I made it out of complete and unconditional love for my baby and for the beautiful woman this baby has become!