Poem to My Mom

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MOM

I miss you so

I wonder if you know…

Your smiling face,

your hug,

was my safe place.

Your voice still rings in my ears

even after all these years

and… often, it still brings me to tears.

The hurt I feel inside

will the pain ever subside???

I really just want to hide.

I never knew that as I lived my life each day…

You would be gone so quickly in that way.

I do know now…

I will see you again somehow.

It was not a good bye forever…

but instead just a see you later!

 

 

 

My Worst Day = My Best Day

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I am not into writing about things that make me sad. Well, not for others anyway. Most of my personal writing is all about my feelings and over the years, it has been mostly comprised of much sadness and pain. 

Ah, sadness and pain… two things that can totally consume you if you allow it. In fact, you almost have to fight, tooth and nail, to stay out of it. 

That sadness and pain almost destroyed me fifteen years ago. It took many years, some amazing people in my life AND GOD to pull me out. I feel like I need to share because someone reading this understands and either has felt or is feeling exactly what I felt.

Here’s my story…

It’s not easy to watch someone die. No, it is the most horrible thing in the entire world!!! That someone for me was my mom.

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My mom was a rock. She was the one who loved everyone, talked to everyone, hugged everyone, never met a stranger. Oh how I wanted to be just like her!!! I was so shy and she was the exact opposite, but we still got along so well.

There were points in my late teenage and early adult years where we had our battles, but it was very short lived. And once I became a mom, things changed drastically. I understood her and she understood me. We became best friends!

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I became pregnant and in my third month, we found out that mom had ovarian cancer. A complete hysterectomy was performed but only 80% of the cancer was removed. Chemo was our only hope for her survival. The doctors were honest with us and relayed that they felt she only had a year to live.

My mom was 50 and I was just 26. It was 1997. It didn’t seem fair.

Here I was pregnant and my mom and I were best friends and she was going to die!

I don’t even remember the drive home that night following her surgery. All I know is from that moment on, I was determined to spend as much time as I possibly could with her… whatever it took. I didn’t know how much time I had and I wasn’t going to waste any of it!

Mom began treatments and months passed and finally it was time for my daughter to be born. Now, all you moms of daughters understand that all your children are special and so are your grandchildren, but, when your daughter has a baby, it’s just different. There is a connection that is only understood between moms and daughters.

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Mom and dad lived about an hour and a half away from us and we had planned a visit with them on this particular day, two days before my due date. They were coming to see us. On this morning of September 18, 1997, when we realized I was in labor, I called my mom and told her and dad just to come to the hospital. At 10:01 am, Kaysi Marie Elizabeth Schmidt was born and at 10:05 am, my mom and dad walked into the hospital room.

My mom actually held her before anyone!

In that moment, I almost forgot about mom’s illness

It was such a joyous time! And she was there to share it with me, minutes after!!! It was more than I could have asked for!

In the months that ensued, my mom continued with treatments and I began to make the drive back and forth, with Kaysi, as a baby, once or twice a week. It might not seem like much, but I wasn’t a stay at home mom, I worked 50-60 hours a week. Needless to say, it was very tiring, but I HAD TO DO IT!!!

Not only did I have to see my mom, but my daughter had to know her Grammy. 

One year passed and mom was still with us. It even seemed as though she might be getting better. I was so grateful. I needed my mom and my daughter needed her Grammy.

For the time being our world seemed right. 

After we began the second year, it seemed mom was getting even better, but then she began having some set-backs. The cancer was not going away. And because of that, neither was I. My almost obsession to see my mom and for Kaysi to see her was all I thought about.

After all, I still had no idea how long we had…

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GOD gave mom more time than we had ever expected and I couldn’t have asked for more. Actually, I did want more… I wanted her healed and whole again. I wanted my mom back the way it was before that HORRIBLE cancer attacked her!

Year three of the journey of my mom’s last days began. Little did we know in just nine months we would have to say GOODBYE. FOREVER…

I continued to travel, frequently, the hour and a half trip to see my mom, AND for Kaysi to see her Grammy.

Every moment was precious… 

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It was worth it. Even though she was very young, my daughter has some happy memories of her Grammy. That almost made the whole ordeal bearable… almost.

As the year passed, mom’s health became worse and worse. Hospice came in and we knew it was just a matter of time. My biggest fear in that moment, was not being there to say goodbye to my mom…

I HAD TO BE ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE!

The weekend before Kaysi’s third birthday, she and I went down to stay with mom and dad, as we always did when I was off work. This weekend was different. Mom was not herself. She almost seemed as if she were somewhere else.

I remember her talking about seeing Kaysi running through the house in a pretty dress dancing and laughing. It made her so happy… Her Kaysi always made her so happy. Kaysi and I headed home on Sunday evening, as usual.

Monday morning came… Kaysi’s birthday.

My little girl was 3!!! WOW!

But I didn’t feel like celebrating. Something in my world didn’t seem right that morning. I was so distracted that by the time I got to work, I was almost 2 hours late! Within 10 minutes of being there, my oldest brother calls… “Sis, I think you need to come.”

MY HEART DROPPED.

I raced out and prayed all the way there that I would make it in time. Thankfully, God allowed me to be there. We all gathered around mom’s bed, my two brothers, their wives, my dad and me. Together, with my mom, as a family, we waited as she took her last breaths…

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IT WAS TRULY THE HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO EXPERIENCE…

But I had to! And in the remaining moments of my mom’s life, I experienced the absolute perfect and unconditional love between her and my dad. Her last breath was to tell her husband of 33 years… “I love you”

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Love was the answer to all of it. All of the years, even the hard ones, love was the answer.

Even in the moment of her death, love was there… GOD was there.

He even made it easier. How? My mom’s death happened on my daughter’s birthday.

So each year we could remember my mom AND celebrate Kaysi’s birthday.

God truly made something bad not quite so bad. It didn’t hurt quite as much. Kaysi, I am convinced, was the reason my mom lived over 3 years instead of the 1 year the doctors gave her. My mom adored Kaysi AND Kaysi adored her.

Now when I ponder that day, and as I often do, I think on that blessing almost in disguise. Revelation hits me…

My worst day was also my best day.

God surely works in mysterious ways to love on His children, when they need it most.

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To My Mom

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How can you live life knowing someone’s gone away?

Someone who held you up at any time on any given day.

Words of advice and guidance when I was unsure

an “I love you”, an outstretched had, to keep me secure.

You were my rock my place to retreat.

I could let go and really be me.

I miss you every day and all that we shared.

I miss your smiles most and all the ways you cared.

But I hear the words you often said

“Always be true” inside my head.

I carry that with me inside my heart

Remembering each morning as the day starts.

You are with me always in all that I do

And in my heart…

I will forever love you.

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Are You Truly Free???

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What does FREEDOM mean to you? It can mean a variety of things depending on who you are talking to and even the setting.  As a believer and follower of Jesus Christ, being free means no longer held by the chains of sin. In becoming a follower of Jesus, we confess our sins to the Father and ask for forgiveness.

David, of course, having completed the work God set out for him, has been in the grave, dust and ashes, a long time now. But the One God raised up—no dust and ashes for him! I want you to know, my very dear friends, that it is on account of this resurrected Jesus that the forgiveness of your sins can be promised. He accomplishes, in those who believe, everything that the Law of Moses could never make good on. But everyone who believes in this raised-up Jesus is declared good and right and whole before God.  Acts 13:36-39 (MSG)

Once we do that we are made free in Him.

It’s in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it (this Message of your salvation), found yourselves home free—signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit.  Ephesians 1:13 (MSG)

And even, free of everything!  The chains are gone… BROKEN!!!!

In forgiveness we are made free…

As we choose to follow God and accept our true identity, He gives us the opportunity for complete FREEDOM. In our true identity, we are a son or a daughter of God the Father; we are royalty, princes and princesses; we are heirs to the throne of Heaven alongside Jesus.

What??? 

You got all of that right? Son or daughter, prince or princess AND heir to the throne of HEAVEN!! 

God the Father is our Father and we are His children… we are His… and He loves us. He loves us SO MUCH. And because of that love for us, the Lord wants us to be free… 

FREE from everything except His love!!!

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God gave us the opportunity to be FREE from sin and ultimately death through HIS son Jesus Christ. You no longer have to carry stuff around, the weights of all the worldy stuff. Jesus takes all of it for us and deals with it. God gave us Him along with the Holy Spirit as helpers, so to speak. They are there for us in our times of need AND our times of joy.

In this new identity and freedom we find forgiveness AND UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!! In addition, we are now given the ability to live life, in abundance, as God initially intended for us since the beginning of time.

Now, you have a choice…

GOD, abundant life, FREEDOM, LOVE

or

SIN, death, fear

Doesn’t seem so hard to choose when it is put like that huh?

Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life, so that you and your descendants might live!  Deuteronomy 30:19 (NLT)

Choose Jesus and find FREEDOM… and a life like never before!

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Bible verses taken from Biblehub.com in The Message Bible and the New Living Translation

Pics taken from google.com/search