Poem to My Mom

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MOM

I miss you so

I wonder if you know…

Your smiling face,

your hug,

was my safe place.

Your voice still rings in my ears

even after all these years

and… often, it still brings me to tears.

The hurt I feel inside

will the pain ever subside???

I really just want to hide.

I never knew that as I lived my life each day…

You would be gone so quickly in that way.

I do know now…

I will see you again somehow.

It was not a good bye forever…

but instead just a see you later!

 

 

 

How You Loved Me…

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I have been bottled up for so very long

so afraid all would be gone.

I always kept it all inside

often feeling the need to hide.

I had no one who really understood

no one to listen and help me feel good.

Now I have found you

and I don’t feel quite so blue.

But I still feel the fear

wanting to turn before you get too near.

It’s my way of pushing away

so I won’t hurt another day.

Please forgive me yet again

you are a gift I have been sent.

You are my star in the dark sky

lighting my way as each night goes by.

I would be lost without my star

I want to always be with you…

 where ever you are!

My Worst Day = My Best Day

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I am not into writing about things that make me sad. Well, not for others anyway. Most of my personal writing is all about my feelings and over the years, it has been mostly comprised of much sadness and pain. 

Ah, sadness and pain… two things that can totally consume you if you allow it. In fact, you almost have to fight, tooth and nail, to stay out of it. 

That sadness and pain almost destroyed me fifteen years ago. It took many years, some amazing people in my life AND GOD to pull me out. I feel like I need to share because someone reading this understands and either has felt or is feeling exactly what I felt.

Here’s my story…

It’s not easy to watch someone die. No, it is the most horrible thing in the entire world!!! That someone for me was my mom.

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My mom was a rock. She was the one who loved everyone, talked to everyone, hugged everyone, never met a stranger. Oh how I wanted to be just like her!!! I was so shy and she was the exact opposite, but we still got along so well.

There were points in my late teenage and early adult years where we had our battles, but it was very short lived. And once I became a mom, things changed drastically. I understood her and she understood me. We became best friends!

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I became pregnant and in my third month, we found out that mom had ovarian cancer. A complete hysterectomy was performed but only 80% of the cancer was removed. Chemo was our only hope for her survival. The doctors were honest with us and relayed that they felt she only had a year to live.

My mom was 50 and I was just 26. It was 1997. It didn’t seem fair.

Here I was pregnant and my mom and I were best friends and she was going to die!

I don’t even remember the drive home that night following her surgery. All I know is from that moment on, I was determined to spend as much time as I possibly could with her… whatever it took. I didn’t know how much time I had and I wasn’t going to waste any of it!

Mom began treatments and months passed and finally it was time for my daughter to be born. Now, all you moms of daughters understand that all your children are special and so are your grandchildren, but, when your daughter has a baby, it’s just different. There is a connection that is only understood between moms and daughters.

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Mom and dad lived about an hour and a half away from us and we had planned a visit with them on this particular day, two days before my due date. They were coming to see us. On this morning of September 18, 1997, when we realized I was in labor, I called my mom and told her and dad just to come to the hospital. At 10:01 am, Kaysi Marie Elizabeth Schmidt was born and at 10:05 am, my mom and dad walked into the hospital room.

My mom actually held her before anyone!

In that moment, I almost forgot about mom’s illness

It was such a joyous time! And she was there to share it with me, minutes after!!! It was more than I could have asked for!

In the months that ensued, my mom continued with treatments and I began to make the drive back and forth, with Kaysi, as a baby, once or twice a week. It might not seem like much, but I wasn’t a stay at home mom, I worked 50-60 hours a week. Needless to say, it was very tiring, but I HAD TO DO IT!!!

Not only did I have to see my mom, but my daughter had to know her Grammy. 

One year passed and mom was still with us. It even seemed as though she might be getting better. I was so grateful. I needed my mom and my daughter needed her Grammy.

For the time being our world seemed right. 

After we began the second year, it seemed mom was getting even better, but then she began having some set-backs. The cancer was not going away. And because of that, neither was I. My almost obsession to see my mom and for Kaysi to see her was all I thought about.

After all, I still had no idea how long we had…

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GOD gave mom more time than we had ever expected and I couldn’t have asked for more. Actually, I did want more… I wanted her healed and whole again. I wanted my mom back the way it was before that HORRIBLE cancer attacked her!

Year three of the journey of my mom’s last days began. Little did we know in just nine months we would have to say GOODBYE. FOREVER…

I continued to travel, frequently, the hour and a half trip to see my mom, AND for Kaysi to see her Grammy.

Every moment was precious… 

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It was worth it. Even though she was very young, my daughter has some happy memories of her Grammy. That almost made the whole ordeal bearable… almost.

As the year passed, mom’s health became worse and worse. Hospice came in and we knew it was just a matter of time. My biggest fear in that moment, was not being there to say goodbye to my mom…

I HAD TO BE ABLE TO SAY GOODBYE!

The weekend before Kaysi’s third birthday, she and I went down to stay with mom and dad, as we always did when I was off work. This weekend was different. Mom was not herself. She almost seemed as if she were somewhere else.

I remember her talking about seeing Kaysi running through the house in a pretty dress dancing and laughing. It made her so happy… Her Kaysi always made her so happy. Kaysi and I headed home on Sunday evening, as usual.

Monday morning came… Kaysi’s birthday.

My little girl was 3!!! WOW!

But I didn’t feel like celebrating. Something in my world didn’t seem right that morning. I was so distracted that by the time I got to work, I was almost 2 hours late! Within 10 minutes of being there, my oldest brother calls… “Sis, I think you need to come.”

MY HEART DROPPED.

I raced out and prayed all the way there that I would make it in time. Thankfully, God allowed me to be there. We all gathered around mom’s bed, my two brothers, their wives, my dad and me. Together, with my mom, as a family, we waited as she took her last breaths…

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IT WAS TRULY THE HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO EXPERIENCE…

But I had to! And in the remaining moments of my mom’s life, I experienced the absolute perfect and unconditional love between her and my dad. Her last breath was to tell her husband of 33 years… “I love you”

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Love was the answer to all of it. All of the years, even the hard ones, love was the answer.

Even in the moment of her death, love was there… GOD was there.

He even made it easier. How? My mom’s death happened on my daughter’s birthday.

So each year we could remember my mom AND celebrate Kaysi’s birthday.

God truly made something bad not quite so bad. It didn’t hurt quite as much. Kaysi, I am convinced, was the reason my mom lived over 3 years instead of the 1 year the doctors gave her. My mom adored Kaysi AND Kaysi adored her.

Now when I ponder that day, and as I often do, I think on that blessing almost in disguise. Revelation hits me…

My worst day was also my best day.

God surely works in mysterious ways to love on His children, when they need it most.

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I CAN Forgive

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How can I FORGIVE?

You took all I had to give…

I feel so very empty

Hurt is all that is inside of me

Anger is now consuming

Swirling around and growing…

How can I possibly let go?

So confused… I don’t even know…

But then in the darkness

Comes the ONE who loves me

JESUS takes away the hurt, the anger

HE replaces it with something better

Love, His love, 

The love that loves anyway

Forever and Always

Even when it hurts

Even in anger

Love eases, comforts, heals

Love strengthens, reveals

In that love we see how He loves us and once again we live

Once more, surrounded by the love of the Father

I can forgive…

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